What Makes Us Happy?
Is there a formula – some mix of money, medicine, and meaning for happiness? Can the good life be accounted for with a formula? Can we even say who has a “good life” in any broadway?
For over 40 years, I have been examining these questions, asking elders: “If you had your life to live over again, what would you have done differently?” Also, “What problem, if any, would you have sought help for and to whom would you have gone?”
Regrets?
Some people answer, “I might be fooling myself, but I don’t think I would want to change anything. I have few regrets.” Many others reflect on their past life by saying, “I wish I’d been more reflective, more courageous, and known my purpose earlier in life.” The one consistent regret was in the area of vocation. Often, people said that their career chose them – they didn’t choose it. They spent too much of their
precious currency – time – doing something that was not a good fit for their gifts, passions, and values.
The Secrets of the Good Life
My perspective on happiness is shaped less by being a researcher and more by being a biographer – listening to stories. I listen for a living. And, I’ve listened for decades to elders describe the good life in terms of being healthy, having financial freedom, and having the time to do what matters most to them.
Regardless of age, gender, or financial status, the majority of interviewees assigned the most importance to “meaning-related” activities. And, people with a sense of meaning in their lives were more likely to report being happy and described themselves as “living the good life. The secret to living the good life is not just about financial and physical health, but equally “living in the place you love, with the people you love, while doing the work you love on purpose.
People Need Purpose to Thrive
Happiness is one of those elusive things that everyone seems to talk about but no one really knows how to define. The bookstore shelves are lined with titles that have an almost messianic tone, as in The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (HarperCollins)... Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun. One rainy afternoon, while riding a city bus, Gretchen Rubin asked herself, “What do I want from life, anyway?” She answered, “I want to be happy” – yet she spent no time thinking about her happiness. In a flash she decided to dedicate a year to a happiness project. The Happiness Project synthesizes the wisdom of the ages with current scientific research, as Rubin brings readers along on her year to greater happiness.
The “positive psychology” movement created scientific studies of happiness that have spread wildly through academia and popular culture (dozens of books, a cover story in TIME, attention from Oprah, etc.) Its message is that psychology can improve ordinary lives, not just treat disease.
Happiness scientists have come up with all kinds of findings: that money does little to make us happier once our basic needs are met; that marriage and faith lead to happiness; that mood “set points” for happiness – a tendency to settle at a certain level of happiness – account for a large percentage of our well-being. Fifty percent, says Sonja Lyubomirsky in The How of Happiness. Circumstances account for 10 percent, and the other 40 percent is within our control.
People need purpose to thrive. Most of the books and science point to “purposeful people.” In the words of Carl Jung, “the least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.”
Purposeful People are Healthier
Research increasingly suggests that purpose is important for a meaningful life – but also for a healthy life. Having purpose is linked to a number of positive health outcomes, including better sleep, fewer strokes and heart attacks, a lower risk of dementia, disability, and premature death. One study followed more than 6,000 people over 14 years and found that those with greater purpose were 15 percent less likely to die than those who were aimless, and that having purpose was protective across the life span – for people in their 20’s as well as those in their 70’s. The science points to an underlying truth: Finding happiness is rarely an epiphany, nor is it something you pick up at the mall or download from the app store. It requires reflection and conversation, then a commitment to act. The key to a happier, healthier life isn’t knowing the meaning of life – it’s building meaning into your life. Happiness without meaning characterizes a relatively shallow, self-absorbed or even selfish life. While being happy is about feeling good, meaning comes from contributing to others or to society in a bigger way.
Resume Virtues‐vs‐Eulogy Virtues
It might seem strange that there would be a difference between a meaningful life and a happy life. But, the happiness researchers have found that happiness is often associated with selfish “taking” behavior and that having a sense of meaning in life is associated with selfless “giving” behavior. Having purpose is not a fixed trait, but rather a modifiable choice: Purpose can be unlocked through choices that help us engage in meaningful activities and behaviors.
David Brooks, the New York Times Op-Ed columnist postures two sets of choices – the “resume” virtues and the “eulogy” virtues. The resume virtues are the characteristics we bring to the marketplace. The eulogy virtues are the ones that are talked about at your funeral. In his April 11, 2015 op-ed piece – The Moral Bucket List – he writes, “We all know that the eulogy virtues are more important than the resume ones. But our culture and our educational systems spend more time teaching the skills and strategies you need for career success than the qualities you need to radiate that sort of inner light. Many of us are clearer on an external career than on how to build inner character.”
My father used to say to me, “That person is a real character.” He would then follow up with a lesson for me, saying, “The key to happiness is to possess character.” And he possessed it at his memorial service where people lined up to extol his “eulogy virtues” – the difference he made in their lives.
My 40 years of listening to elders and many wise teachers have shaped my conclusion that purposeful people are made, not born – that the people who seem to be truly happy have achieved a generosity of spirit and a eulogy-driven possession of character. They don’t just ask, “what do I want from life?” They ask, “what is life asking of me?” “How can I connect my natural gifts with one of the world’s deep needs?”
The Dalai Lama reflected: “One great question underlies our existence... What is the purpose of life? After much consideration, I believe that the purpose of life is to find happiness.” Does happiness lie in feeling good or in doing and being good? My evidence points to the notion that feeling good is not enough. People need purpose to be happy.
